Thanks for this Lila. You touched upon a lot of ideas here. The observation that the ability to do deep work without distractions (of daily life) particularly rings true.. with all its implications. There is no "balance" here, it is imbalanced by design.
Hey, I'm publishing my chapters thrice a week now. The chapters are paywalled, but the behind-the-scenes are free to read in each chapter. I'm hoping for feedback from readers like you so I can whip it into shape for a final publication https://lila.substack.com/p/read-my-novel
If you want to read and give me feedback, I can just add you to the list of paid subscribers for free. It would be very helpful to me to have a highly engaged reader :)
Oh that's really kind! I don't think I can do this yet tho as I have a project to finish. By mid-July I should be able to though. Can I write in the comments section of your newest post when I'm ready?
Very well written Lila! I'd like your thoughts on this.
When I was looking to get married, I was talking to girls that parents set me up with. One problem I faced (maybe exacerbated by being in the US) were that many girls were too feminist (specifically buying into the oppressed-oppressor hierarchy). While not too much of a problem in and of itself, that extended itself into the way they viewed India and Hinduism. And that's too much incompatibility. Obviously, views can change, but that's a big gamble to take on marriage.
Did you come across this with your male/female friends? What do you think of this "problem" when trying to get married?
Or is it just a case of obsessing too much over trivial details? And that everybody's rebellious at that age and they would've probably come around.
I think that's more of a filter to ensure we'll be fine after marriage and it's not some bait and switch. Mostly, if you're in any kind of a traditional setting, the expectations on the wife is sky-high in ways that are incompatible with a career.... or joy.
Orthodox families especially have lots of rules around ritual purity, especially for women. Our moms didn't explain it well enough to us, so it was hard to not view it in terms of discrimination. But even if they did, in practice it meant a lot of bending over backwards in ways that entrench inequality in the marriage.
Men dont think enough about this stuff and aren't negatively affected by it, so anyone very traditional might not be compatible with the needs and aspirations of contemporary womanhood.
Many women among family and friends, despite being quite religious themselves, told their husbands before marriage that they won't be always open to participating in intensive rituals. I see a cousin of mine in that situation. Her MIL is extremely religious and despite being pleasant and permissive typically, won't know where to stop on festive days. Especially if aunts and grandmas are around. My cousin will give her husband a glance when shes had enough, and he'll swoop in and extricate her on some excuse. With time, she does more and more religious stuff, but she wants it to be on her terms.
On the other side, I came across several 'secular' men as well, including those from congress/AAP families. There was one dude whose dad and I ganged up to call him a pseudosecular (in good humor). These things are a lot more about background, I think, than stated preference. If someone's from a secular 'modern' family, they are probably not going to get on with mine who value traditions. And we probably won't get on with more traditional people who might want a more patriarchical family structure. The folks we got on with usually described themselves as "traditional with modern values". Generally very prevalent in our circles. The understanding is if someone feels a certain way, it's probably just them and they might change depending on circumstances, but if their parents also agree on their sociopolitical beliefs, it's going to be more entrenched.
What are your thoughts on political compatibility between couples especially in our setting? I've had a couple tell me that they didn't like me purely because of political views. One was uncomfortable with the idea of Hindutva, Modi, etc. Another was appalled that I found Trump better than Biden.
Part of me feels that these can be worked over, but I've often found that deeper political chasms are often value differentials in disguise.
When in India, I feel it doesn't matter so much because of regionalism and so many party choices. Like I've so many relatives that have different political preferences and vote differently. We get on so well without any hitches. But something changes when romance is involved and I can't put a finger on it.
Yeah people find it common to not date those of different political persuasions, but I can't relate to that. I'm a bit of a curmudgeon and I find something to disagree with everyone on, and I mock every belief structure that anyone is too precious about. People who find that annoying usually stay away from me. I feel like most people are nuanced and have different stances on different issues, even if they broadly agree with a political party. If someone is extremely aligned with a political party or a politician, that feels like a different zone of person than what I'm comfortable with, and I put them in the category of people who'd kill themselves for Rajinikanth, or go to temple daily to pray for amitabh bacchan's recovery after his Coolie accident. Like, nothing wrong with it, but they live on a different planet. I feel like people should leave media-based relationships in the media and not let them spill over to their real life.
Thanks for this Lila. You touched upon a lot of ideas here. The observation that the ability to do deep work without distractions (of daily life) particularly rings true.. with all its implications. There is no "balance" here, it is imbalanced by design.
I love your Substack, and this was a particularly good post.
Can I ask you a question about your other Substack : will you publish your India House novel one day? I really hope you will!
Hey, I'm publishing my chapters thrice a week now. The chapters are paywalled, but the behind-the-scenes are free to read in each chapter. I'm hoping for feedback from readers like you so I can whip it into shape for a final publication https://lila.substack.com/p/read-my-novel
Ah, right, thanks for letting me know. I can't sign up rn but I will soon, would love to give feedback.
If you want to read and give me feedback, I can just add you to the list of paid subscribers for free. It would be very helpful to me to have a highly engaged reader :)
Oh that's really kind! I don't think I can do this yet tho as I have a project to finish. By mid-July I should be able to though. Can I write in the comments section of your newest post when I'm ready?
Yes that would be great!
Thank you!
Very well written Lila! I'd like your thoughts on this.
When I was looking to get married, I was talking to girls that parents set me up with. One problem I faced (maybe exacerbated by being in the US) were that many girls were too feminist (specifically buying into the oppressed-oppressor hierarchy). While not too much of a problem in and of itself, that extended itself into the way they viewed India and Hinduism. And that's too much incompatibility. Obviously, views can change, but that's a big gamble to take on marriage.
Did you come across this with your male/female friends? What do you think of this "problem" when trying to get married?
Or is it just a case of obsessing too much over trivial details? And that everybody's rebellious at that age and they would've probably come around.
I think that's more of a filter to ensure we'll be fine after marriage and it's not some bait and switch. Mostly, if you're in any kind of a traditional setting, the expectations on the wife is sky-high in ways that are incompatible with a career.... or joy.
Orthodox families especially have lots of rules around ritual purity, especially for women. Our moms didn't explain it well enough to us, so it was hard to not view it in terms of discrimination. But even if they did, in practice it meant a lot of bending over backwards in ways that entrench inequality in the marriage.
Men dont think enough about this stuff and aren't negatively affected by it, so anyone very traditional might not be compatible with the needs and aspirations of contemporary womanhood.
Many women among family and friends, despite being quite religious themselves, told their husbands before marriage that they won't be always open to participating in intensive rituals. I see a cousin of mine in that situation. Her MIL is extremely religious and despite being pleasant and permissive typically, won't know where to stop on festive days. Especially if aunts and grandmas are around. My cousin will give her husband a glance when shes had enough, and he'll swoop in and extricate her on some excuse. With time, she does more and more religious stuff, but she wants it to be on her terms.
On the other side, I came across several 'secular' men as well, including those from congress/AAP families. There was one dude whose dad and I ganged up to call him a pseudosecular (in good humor). These things are a lot more about background, I think, than stated preference. If someone's from a secular 'modern' family, they are probably not going to get on with mine who value traditions. And we probably won't get on with more traditional people who might want a more patriarchical family structure. The folks we got on with usually described themselves as "traditional with modern values". Generally very prevalent in our circles. The understanding is if someone feels a certain way, it's probably just them and they might change depending on circumstances, but if their parents also agree on their sociopolitical beliefs, it's going to be more entrenched.
That makes sense! Another question for you:
What are your thoughts on political compatibility between couples especially in our setting? I've had a couple tell me that they didn't like me purely because of political views. One was uncomfortable with the idea of Hindutva, Modi, etc. Another was appalled that I found Trump better than Biden.
Part of me feels that these can be worked over, but I've often found that deeper political chasms are often value differentials in disguise.
When in India, I feel it doesn't matter so much because of regionalism and so many party choices. Like I've so many relatives that have different political preferences and vote differently. We get on so well without any hitches. But something changes when romance is involved and I can't put a finger on it.
Yeah people find it common to not date those of different political persuasions, but I can't relate to that. I'm a bit of a curmudgeon and I find something to disagree with everyone on, and I mock every belief structure that anyone is too precious about. People who find that annoying usually stay away from me. I feel like most people are nuanced and have different stances on different issues, even if they broadly agree with a political party. If someone is extremely aligned with a political party or a politician, that feels like a different zone of person than what I'm comfortable with, and I put them in the category of people who'd kill themselves for Rajinikanth, or go to temple daily to pray for amitabh bacchan's recovery after his Coolie accident. Like, nothing wrong with it, but they live on a different planet. I feel like people should leave media-based relationships in the media and not let them spill over to their real life.