A new twist in the tale

I found a new trigger

I was trying to be cautiously optimistic with my previous post. I thought I had ‘cured’ myself. I still kind of do, I just realize it’s more complicated now.

I’ve been pounding out my novel successfully and then I took up a new challenge that I need to at this point in my life, and it’s really, really really hard for a variety of circumstances. I’ve been managing it better than before because of all the work I’ve done before.

But it turns out it takes very little to get back to my earlier state of mind.

If I have to do a task that triggers anxiety and shame in me, there is this big need to keep procrastinating on it. But this is the part I’ve dealt with quite well. I have a script on how to deal with this. I write things down, break things down into small steps, talk myself through my thoughts, and get to work feeling more hopeful.

What really messes this up is

• Time constraints on the task.

• High stakes on the task.

• Too many such tasks so there’s one such task every which way I turn.

So I’m not able to break things down without help. I freak out, but for a variety of reasons, I try to remain cool on the exterior. This means I’m distracting myself constantly with screens, feeds, and infinite scrolls doing whatever it takes to maintain that external calm. In the process, the task doesn’t get done, until it’s the last minute, where it is acceptable to be externally freaking out, and then I do it.

The short-term solution is to lean into the suck, seek out a safe space to freak out, and then work my way out of the situation.

The long-term solution is to figure out why I get triggered so badly and to work on those emotions using cognitive behavioral therapy or something.

With time constraints, a stressful life with lots to do, and high stakes everywhere, it ends up getting harder and harder to break out of this. The trick is to build in time into your every day for introspection and planning (bullet journaling) to help with this, and not shy away from difficult feelings, asking for help from loved ones to get through it.

A friend suggested a tincture of rhodiola, which lowers your cortisol levels and lets you be calm and unruffled, which makes everything go better. Ashwagandha also probably helps with this. But I honestly worry about if it will somehow make things worse.

Maybe I should stick to the old standbys of running, yoga, and meditation.

But it’s been a boon to just figure out this is how things go for me. Previously I wouldn’t even understand why I was procrastinating and where my time went. Now I know exactly what happens.